show me the stars
by soufflewhouffle
Summary: Angsty, feely whouffle regeneration fic. The Doctor and Clara finally admit their feelings for eachother with a lot of tears. Two parts. Leave a review telling me what you think! :)
1. Chapter 1

_Sunbeams start to creep down his fingers. He turns to look at Clara and her image is reflected in hues of molten gold. Trembling fingers are raised before his face as he eyes his own hands with apprehension._

_'Doctor?' Clara says his name hesitantly. Tears glisten in her eyes and she blinks them back furiously. 'Is this it?' She tries not to let he fear show in her voice but she fails and her breath catches painfully in her throat._

_The Doctor looks at her sorrowfully. He's holding back the regeneration for as long as he can and the only signs Clara can see are the hints of gold threaded through the veins on his hands and the glowing pools in his eyes._

_'This is it.' He confirms, and those three tiny words shatter all the defences she has and the tears flow freely down her cheeks._

_Three life changing words – she'd always thought tht they'd be 'I love you'. But this was the Doctor and if there was one thing he always did, it was surprise her._

_The Doctor steps towards her, catching her wet face in the palms of his glowing hands._

_'Don't cry.' He says. 'It'll still be me. Silly old me, Clara.' He grins toothily even as a shadow of doubt flickers across his face._

_'But it won't will it?' Clara says. 'He won't be you. He won't have that floppy hair, or those cheekbones. He won't be clumsy and adorable and sweet and funny in the way that you are.' Clara finds it strange to be admitting all these things to him; the way she views him, the way she feels about him. But she knows she has to, now. Why did she wait so long?_

_'He won't have green eyes and he won't always say just the right thing in just the right way that makes everyting better._ _**You**_ _make everything better. I don't think he can.' She smiled tearfully and tugs at his bowtie. She can't meet his eyes, not yet._

_'He won't wear one of these, and I'll never hear the words,_ "_**Fezzes are cool**_" _again._ _He won't be_ _**my**_ _Doctor. He won't be the man I-' She hesitates, bites her lip. Her stomach twists into a knot. She closes her eyes, and then blinks them open again. She steps forwards, finally meets his gaze._

'_**He won't be the man I love**_.' _She says, softly, quietly, and it floats in the air between them, fragile and breakable and almost tangible. And she feels better after saying them, the words she should have said such a long time ago._

_'I love you.' She says again, tearfully, and then laughs ruefully._

_'How could I not? You flew into my life in a big blue snogbox and showed me everything beautiful in the universe. I've seen everything beautiful in you, too.' She tells him. 'Even though you think there isn't anything beautiful about you, but _there is. _And I've seen all of the darkest parts of you, too. And I told myself_, _**don't fall in love**__;_ _but of course, that didn't work. And now, here we are. With me telling you all of this, far too late.' Her voice breaks and she can't carry on._

_Her eyes search the Doctor's but his expression is unreadable. And then a soft smile tugs the corners of his lips and softens his gaze. He slips his fingers around hers, clasping her hands tightly._

'_Ding __**dong**__, brilliant! Better late than never,' He says, but it's more of a broken whisper and he swallows hard._

_Clara thinks her heart is breaking as she hears his voice crack. She wonders if he can feel her pulse jump erratically and then slow, as if she's the one preparing for death._

_'Clara Oswald.' He says it as if it's the first time. 'My impossible girl._ _**My**_ _impossible girl. I never thought I'd be able to say it like that.' His voice sounds like someone scuffing their feet over gravel, low and rough. He opens his mouth, pauses, closes it again. His feet shuffle awkwardly and one hand lets go of hers to straighten his bowtie._

_Even in the first stages of his own regeneration he manages to be tongue-tied awkward and Clara loves him all the more for it. _

_'Clara, I...' She sees him hesitate again, wonders if he's going to do the same to her as he did to Rose, and leave with a_ '_**Does it really need saying?**__'._ _And she thinks that if he does she'll never recover._

'_**I love you**_.'

_She thinks she might have imagined it, at first, a sentence so quiet it barely reaches her ears before_ _fading away._

_But she feels his grip tighten around her hands and he inhales hard and she knows how much it's cost him to utter the words._

_She's not sure what she feels; her heart bursts into an explosion of emotion. She's happy, of course, but at the same time she thinks she's shattering into a million tiny fragments, just like she did when she jumped into his timestream to save him. The tragedy of her situation is what hurts the most._

_She's reaching up, hands starting to pull at his bowtie to bring him down to her level, when he convulses and bright light flares up from his hands. _

_He falls to the floor and she falls with him, body and mind._

_She doesn't notice that she's crying again until she sees her own tears leave shining tracks across his face._

_'Please-' She wants to scream but her voice is barely there. 'I was born to save you, remember! There has to be something I can do. Please, just tell me, and I'll do it. I'll do anything.'_

_He struggles into a sitting position, breathing hard. He closes his eyes for a long moment, straining against something, and the light reduces a little._

_'There's nothing you can do, Clara.' He pants, and she sees her eyes reflected in his; broken and scared and a little lost._

_His hand reaches up again to hold her face, thumb carressing her cheek. _

_'Just stay with me.' He whispers._

_'Always.' She tells him, and she pulls him towards her so he's half supported by her, half leaning back against the TARDIS railing._

_There's a moment of silence._

_And then;_

_'I'm scared, Clara.'_

_It's one of the very few times he's ever said he's scared out loud, she knows. And she doesn't want him to be scared, not in his final moments. Even if she can't save him from regeneration, maybe she can save him from himself._

_'Why?' She asks, softly._

_He shifts up into a more upright position, turning towards her, desperation giving him strength._

_'I want you to remember me.' He tells her. 'Because nobody else will.'_

_'How can you think that?' Clara begins. 'After everything you've done, everyone you've saved you think they won't remember you? You're not dying, Doctor. You're regenerating and you'll still be the same per-'_

_She's cut off as he shakes his head viciously._

_'No, not like that. They won't remember_ _**me**_. _This form. Nobody cares, Clara. As long as I'm still the Doctor, it doesn't matter to them what form I take. But every time I change, it's like becoming a new man. The same memories, the same past, but with a new personality and new opinions and new thoughts. And me? This Doctor? I'll be forgotten. Because even I won't care, Clara. I won't even care about myself. I'll look back at myself and I'll laugh and ask myself,_ '_**Why on earth did I like those bowties?**_'. _And I'll be just another memory locked away in the back of my own mind, just like all my previous selves are in mine.'_

_He pauses for breath and then he's crying, and Clara isn't sure what to do because she's only ever seen him cry once before and she didn't know what to do then, either._

**_The most important man in the universe and he's scared of being forgotten_.**

_So she just holds him, wraps her arms around him and lets him cry because that's what she's meant to do._

_'I'll never forget you.' She tells him._ '_**Never.**_'

_He looks back up at her and his eyes are wet. 'Thank you. I won't forget you, either.' He promises, but she wonders if it's something he can really guarantee._

_And then he yells in pain as he lurches forwards, groans loud and long as he crumples into a heap on the floor._

_'I can't- I can't keep it back anymore, it's starting-' He tells Clara and she kneels over him, cupping his cheeks._

_'Just one second, chin boy.' She tells him. _

_His thumb wipes a stray tear away as she leans towards him._

_She feels his arms wrap around her waist and she chokes back tears as she realises that this is the first time he's ever held her in this way._

'_**Show me the stars**__._' _She whispers, and then he kisses her, hard, and he leaves intoxicating traces of salt and sadness on her lips. She likes to think that she can taste a thousand universes on his mouth._

_She loses her breath, runs her fingers through his hair, because, after all, it's the only chance she has._

_Her heart pumps colour instead of blood; malachite, emerald, indigo-blue._

_She thinks that if she could only exist in this moment, forever, she'd take it and be happy. Because this is how it's meant to be; her and her Doctor, running together, always._

_And then a blast of energy tears her away, leaving her gasping and crying and her arms feel terribly empty. He turns his head to look at her and his eyes are a stranger's, shining gold coins in his skull._

_'Clara.' He says. He stands, leaning against the console, and spreads his arms hesitantly. One hand reaches towards her and then falls again. 'My Clara.'_

_And then his head is thrown back and she has to shield her eyes as a supernova erupts from his hearts. Rays of light stream out from his hands and his head, surrounding him in a golden aura._

_The golden light expands and grows brighter until she has to cover her face with her hands, burying her head against the floor._

_She thinks it's only fitting that someone like him should end in such a dramatic way._

_**Because the Doctor dies the way he lives; majestically, beautifully, and wonderfully. Shining light into every corner of time and space. **_


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi! I was going to past this yesterday but the site had some error and whenever I tried to go on my account to post it it just said something like 'server error 503' :(**

**But now it's working again, yay!**

**So I hope you enjoyed this little two-shot. Please leave a review to tell me what you think!**

_Eventually, the light fades and Clara can look up, blinking fast._

_Her cheeks feel uncomfortably damp with the tears she's cried and the her lips tingle with the memory of the Doctor's kiss._

_She's scared to raise her eyes because she knows that whatever she sees it will break her heart._

_But she has to; and she does. Slowly, hesitantly, her eyes flick upwards and fall upon the man standing before her._

_Her vision is still a little blurry with a sheen of tears but she can make out a tall figure, stretching out his arms and shaking out his legs._

_He's talking excitedly and seems to be checking that he has all his limbs but Clara's too dazed to pay attention. She slowly stands and rubs her eyes, clearing her vision._

_The man before her has grey hair, curled tightly to his head. He's much older than his previous regeneration. She notes that he's almost the complete opposite of what he was before._

_He's draped in the tweed coat and the bow tie is still around his neck and it looks so wrong that Clara thinks she might cry again._

_He turns to look at her, properly, for the first time. _

_'Clara!' He says. 'Look. I have to ask you something...' He pauses and takes a deep breath before continuing. 'Am I ginger?'_

_Surprised, it takes Clara a moment to reply. She shakes her head, a slight movement that leaves her feeling nauseous. _

_'Thank god!' The Doctor exclaims, throwing his hands up in the air. 'I was worried.'_

_Clara bites her lip. Her mind is flooded with memories of him, before his regeneration, complaining about not being ginger. _

_'Really,' He'd said, 'I don't see why I haven't been ginger yet. 11 different regenerations! You'd think that was more than enough chance to get it right. How many times will I get the same hair colour?'_

_She'd laughed. 'Well, let's hope you won't be changing any time soon.'_

_He'd ignored her, peering into a nearby window and tugging at his quiff. 'Maybe I can dye it.' He'd mused, frowning at his reflection. 'Hair dye! What a brilliant invention. You humans, eh? Wonderful.'_

_The Doctor now is still staring at her, waiting for her to reply. She can't find the words. Her arms still feel empty and she can still taste salty tears on her lips. This Doctor already seems so much more sombre and solemn and she's not sure how she's going to do without his usual laughter and beautiful clumsy frivolence. _

_'Clara?' He asks. 'Are you all right?' He steps forwards hesitantly. 'I know this is going to take some getting used to, but...' He pauses and then frowns in distaste as he notices the bow tie around his neck. Slowly pulling it off, he starts talking again before dropping it carelessly onto the floor. 'I was so worried about being forgotten, wasn't I? Just a few minutes ago.' He shakes his head and smiles bemusedly. 'How stupid of me.'_

_Clara's feeling something she's not used to feeling; anger._

_She inhales raggedly. 'No,' she tells him. 'No. It wasn't stupid. Because that's exactly what you've done, you've forgotten him, just like he said you would.' She feels her soul splintering even further and gasps for breath as tears form a lump in her throat. 'How could you?'_

_'We're the same man, Cla-'_

_Her heart flutters violently and she doesn't think she's ever felt this kind of pain before._

_'No, you're not. You have the same body and you share the same memories but you're not him. Because he **cared**. He always cared. About everything. And there you stand and you can't even care about **yourself.** So don't try to tell me you're the same man. Because the doctor, **my** doctor, he was the best and the bravest and the most brilliant man I ever knew. And you're – you are not him.'_

_She steps forwards and picks up the bowtie and clenches her hand around it, tight, before turning and running. She can't stay here; not now, not with **him** staring at her in silence._

_The TARDIS doors slam shut behind her and she's glad because now he can't see her crumple and fall, sobbing desperately and trying not to scream out into the night sky she can hardly bear to look at because it's **his** sky, the skies he travelled through with her, filled with the stars and planets they saved together. _

_It hurts, hurts more than anything has ever hurt her before, and she looks at the bowtie lying limply in her hand and slams her fist into the ground._

_She tries to speak, to send out a prayer to the glittering night, but all that comes out is a weak, tired whisper. 'Please come back.' She begs. 'Please.'_

_If he was here, he'd have wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her towards him and kissed her forehead and just let her be comforted by his presence._

_But he's gone and the air around her waist is cold and empty and she thinks that he's torn a fez-shaped hole in her heart that might never fill._

_/ / / / / / / _

_She's not sure how long she's been sitting there, crying, with the bowtie clenched loosely in her fist, but the snow she sits on has soaked into her clothes._

_She doesn't care; she barely feels the cold despite shivering violently as a gust of wind blows._

_She stands wearily and faces the TARDIS doors. She's not sure if she's strong enough for this. She doesn't know if she'll ever recover._

_But she pushes open the doors and the TARDIS lets her in without a hitch as it has for quite a while, now. She wonders absently if the new Doctor will change the interior. She hopes he doesn't._

_She pauses a moment to tuck the bowtie into the pocket of her shirt. Her hand feels the absence painfully. The last time she'd touched the bowtie was as she kissed the Doctor._

_The Doctor is waiting for her as she walks in. She doesn't know if he's heard her crying and pleading but she finds she doesn't have the energy to care._

_He stands silently, waiting for her to say something._

_'I'm sorry.' She tells him. 'What I said earlier...About you not being the doctor.' She pauses, collecting herself. 'I take it back. I know you're him, and he's you. You're just...not **my **you. Does that make sense? And-' She swallows hard. She thinks she ought to have run out of tears by now but she can feel them rising up again. 'And I don't know if I'll ever really be able to see you as the same person, but...I'll try my best.' And she offers him a weal, watery smile and it feels like the first time she's smiled in a very long time._

_He steps towards her, and smiles back. 'I know. And it's okay.'_

_/ / / / / / / /_

_She dreams about him almost every night. About her Doctor. Sometimes they'll be memories playing in her mind and sometimes she dreams that they're together again. She wakes up with tear stained cheeks, a lot. But more often than not there's a smile on her face, too, and she'll turn over and open the draw on her nightstand and take out a bowtie._

_And then, in the morning, after drifting back to sleep, she'll step out of her house and into the TARDIS and she'll go on a new adventure. Because, she concludes, her time with her floppy-haired Doctor was an adventure all on it's own. And she's accepted that, now._

_She keeps little reminders of him around the house and imagines his voice every day so she won't forget it, (not that she thinks she ever could) and she **lives**. And she does it the way she knows her Doctor would want her to; majestically, beautifully, and wonderfully._


End file.
